16-04-2022

One day at a time. Have been three long days. Step by step. 

As Morat says the most difficult days are the first six days. Let's test if that is true. 

My plan was to wake up at 8, I did at 10, With no intention to go to breakfast. I have a list of 20 pending work tasks to do, and no intention to do it at all. It is not that I do not want it, is only that my body does not help me to do it. 

I planned to wake up at 8, but everything hurts. I do not recall what makes me woke up. Maybe the feeling that I needed to reschedule the flight to Madrid, to not lose more money or the feeling that I really needed to send the Thursday error report, to a bunch of people that will only read it on Monday (if they do). 

For sure they won't, actually, while I was writing it, I was wondering if it is a better strategy to send it by Monday morning. I use to read my email at the beginning of the journey. Well, I also use to check my email every hour when I am not working, or on a holiday. Like the one I was supposed to not take today, because my plan was supposed to end those ten tasks  I have on my to-do list for the holy week weekend. 

But It was impossible for me to wake up as it has been since December. I have no intention of not doing it at the night, I swear, I go to bed, and plan my day in my mind. I put the alarm in my two cell phones, and said to myself "this time we will make it". But guess what I won't. 

I did not think about you today, well, I am doing now, but only now. Instead of doing my tasks, I started a new course, on Coursera. SEI. Self Emotional Intelligence. As my manager advised me to do. I know I need it. It kind of hurts my ego, but I know I do need it.

The first module is about self-awareness. Do I know myself? Do I control myself? 

The answer to the first question is YES, I do know me. My triggers, my emotions, my fears, what is difficult for me, my worries, and my frustrations. Or at least that is what I think. Let's see after the 4 weeks how accurate I was today. 

I do know, that back in the last part of the last year what most affected me, was my reflection on him. I do care about people, I do not express it, among other things because I am objective focussed, but I was not imposing myself. 

I trusted him, and he betrayed me. I was not able to read him. Now, when I recall his words, I found (or convinced myself) that he was just lowering my wins, and putting me as the bad girl. As I was only wanting to bright alone. 

And now, I struggle to wake up in the mornings and motivate myself to start working, as I struggle to stop working once I finally get back on track. My "good" old habits are all making my days a nightmare. 

Do I know myself? Well, I am trying to recognize my emotions, and list what triggers me to not control them. Like the sexual side of me. The emotions I provoke in others, intentional and unintentional. As when we do dirty talks while we do a "janela de manutenção", or try to figure out which is the problem of the system. 

For me is normal, is what men do while there are only surrounded by other men. and guess I work in a man's world, so why not talk as they talk, and be just another one. 

It is a lie, obviously, they do not see me as another one, in a non fucking way. No as a partner, nor a co-worker, no as par, neither as an engineer or a lead. I am too bossy, too insensitive, too loudly, too expressive, too close to their limits as adult men. And to top it off; I am too intelligent and too rude to express myself, defining me as an undiplomatic, and too honest person.

Well, I have decided to start my journal as the course suggested, to better know myself. And discover what is a lie, what needs an improvement, and overall discover how to control all this anger that I have inside and I have let slowly peek through the side of my eyes and words. 

-- As a side note;

You can take the quiz to know how emotionally intelligent you are. Interesting website. https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/ei-quiz.htm#groups

The course link is: https://www.coursera.org/learn/emotional-intelligence-cultivating-immensely-human-interactions