17-04-2022

One day at a time. You were not my first thought. Obviously, you are still in my mind. Playing around from time to time. Like when I read something funny, or erotic. Or when I see my poetry notebook. 

I went to the pool today, not to swim of course I do not enjoy the pools. Actually, we were never on one, but I imagine we do. On the roof you can see the sunset, I enjoy pretty much the sunsets, you gave one like to the one I posted yesterday. And I just wonder why instead of your like on my post, you wrote to me, asking "how are you feeling today?".

Not literally, of course, I do know the answer. You don't care about me, or my feelings at all. 

It was a normal day, I struggle to wake up, Finally, I did at noon, so I did not work again on my tasks. Instead, I am working on myself, which feels strange, and I feel guilty. I did exercise, not much, but I did. I am also reading "Misión Olvido" by Maria Dueño. I enjoy it, Blanca is the name of the main character. she is an old woman, whose spouse left for a younger one, and all her life gets undrawn under her eyes. 

Like if she only can define herself by being at the side of her man. Is that not that unusual, right? Women were taught to be defined by being married. Is the normal circle of life they teach you are school: You are born, you grow, then you reproduce yourself; which means you get married, and child, and then you die. 

I was really good at school, with high grades. Tens all the time (5, A+). In that year, I remember drawing that circle of life. I did never dream about having kids, but I do did, about having a partner. Was it only because I was indirectly persuaded that I can only define myself if a man is by my side? 

I don't know. Actually, is not that bad having someone that cares about you, and can hold your hand and stand by your side. Someone that understand your world, and empathizes with you when you are down and depress, and do not want to wake up. Someone that encourages or inspires you to do. 

But is also ok, not having one. And just resting in your bed, while you get all the force you need to wake up and go to eat the world. Because I do want also to go and eat the world. 

That reminds me of when Natalia told me that I only define myself when I have a partner, that I do not enjoy at all being me. Been single, Been alone. 

She is not at all that wrong, well I know how it feels to be with someone and still be alone. It is not because you share your sheets with another body that you can say you are not, that is the deepest loneliness feeling in the world. But yes, I do not enjoy myself being single, in part because I do fear the wildest part of me, a proof of that was last year, isn't it? I was enjoying my solitude, with no Saudade of another body, and then, you and your mistress, and all the fucking good sex. 

I know, I was the one that did the first move, and next and the next and the next. but I also know I was just another piece on your game with her. Another fucking piece, that is still around because of our circles, and the strategy you are playing in life. 

I did nothing today. Nothing of what I planned the night before. I mean. I started my Portuguese conversational lessons on an interesting platform: https://preply.com/en/lessons. I actually do not know if I can recommend it, but the first lesson was not that bad. I am a B2 Portuguese girl. So it will be conversational, to improve my vocabulary, my pronunciation, and my writing skills. 

I am also, starting to go fluent, which the company pays. So, we will see. There is only one thing going around my mind, again I am putting myself into too many activities; SEI course, Portuguese course, How to improve writing English, Objective-c course, career path training, job, exercise, my therapy, this journal.  

The vacations that I have postponed for the last two years five times. 

I am empty. I just have not figured it out, empty of what. I used to have does thoughts about going faster to meet my grandmother, some nights I tell her to bring me to her. But I have not told her that for around four months. That makes me think because these months I have been feeling terrible even though I have not had those feelings.